I'm not alone, no I'm just on my own...

Well, what more can I say? it "wasn't there", whatever is supposed to be there when you're dating someone, and so now we're not. Whatever. I called mana right after it happened, while I was sitting on the grass on a meridian by my car, and cried a little. Then I realized that he probably wasn't even going to cry, and so I stopped. Why should I let him hurt me when I am nothing to him, never was? I won't.

I won't ever be anything to anyone, and that's okay. I will never let myself fall for anyone again. It's simply not worth it.

I am especially frustrated because he told me before we started to go out that "he didn't feel that way" but then he changed his mind, and so I decided to take him up on it. I shouldn't have.

I think I had a few expectations... to make it to a month at least, being one of them. oh well.

I understand a few things about myself. Having someone to call your boyfriend kind of raises your self esteem, just a little. Now, it's gone crashing down. I felt pretty sometimes, for the first time ever, but now I feel like shit. Whoever got the idea in my head that I could be beautiful was a liar. No one ever wants to date the fat girl, they just want to be friends with the fat girl. So, I will go on forever being the fat girl. I still have some LeanSystem7 left. and ketosticks.

That's the only way I know how to cope, is to hurt myself. not physically, but I will do other things to make myself feel pain. Lets me know i'm alive, right? It's how I deal with things. I'm not in any danger, I just need to cope.

Don't Confess ~Tegan and Sara

Don’t think I’ll confess
Why would I confess that I
Don’t think I’ll deny
Why would I deny that I
Don’t be so hard on yourself
You won’t get better til you get worse
Yeah you
Send a little smile my way
And don’t be so hard on yourself
You won’t get better til you get worse
Yeah you
Send a little love my way
Every second I spend waiting
Drags me closer to this grave
I’m not alone
No, I’m just on my own
And I, it's a little cold outside
Ooh
Don’t think I’ll escape
(Don’t think I’ll escape)
Why would I escape you
Don’t think I’ll replace
(Don’t think I’ll replace)
How could I (how could I) replace you
And don’t be so hard on yourself
You won’t get better til you get worse
Yeah you send a little smile my way
And don’t be so hard on yourself
You won’t get better til you get worse
Yeah you send a little love my way
And every second I spend waiting
Drags me closer to this grave
I’m not alone
No, I’m just on my own
And I, it's a little cold outside
Ooh
And so don't be so hard on yourself
You won’t get better til you get worse
Send your love my way

(no subject)

I'm looking for a livejournal code for something I want to do... If anyone can help me out, it'd be grand

Or, a credit card ;)

(no subject)

I'm thinking the entry I wrote last night doesn't describe where I am right now anymore. No, I'm not going to hurt myself over this, it's simply not worth it. So, don't worry. I have not lost all hope. If you're worrying, don't. I'm okay now. I was a bit shocked last night, 'tis all.

Life will go on :)

(no subject)

I've got myself a new journal, it's for the creative side of me. After sharing some writing with someone today, I think I'd like other people to read it too. The other journal is gutterflower01 and I'm just working on setting it up now :)

Fun Meme :D

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
amigone goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as a vampire.
bunkiesgirl gives you 1 red vanilla-flavoured gummies.
ghostangel gives you 3 tan chocolate-flavoured gummy bats.
keoki gives you 17 dark green watermelon-flavoured wafers.
ladykalendria tricks you! You lose 17 pieces of candy!
midnightmagenta tricks you! You lose 2 pieces of candy!
raggedyandrew tricks you! You get a button.
safti tricks you! You lose 1 pieces of candy!
shadowlord tricks you! You lose 1 pieces of candy!
stojo tricks you! You get an evangelical pamphlet.
wolverinegirl04 gives you 2 light green grape-flavoured gumdrops.
amigone ends up with 2 pieces of candy, a button, and an evangelical pamphlet.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.