*sigh*

[amigone2515]

What exactly my problem is, I'm not sure. I don't do my schoolwork. I don't want to fail, and I don't think I will, but I just can't be fucked to try anymore. I wrote a half-assed paper for bio (actually, it's well written, but I know I could have put more in it), and I spent the rest of the time playing online instead of studying. I just don't care anymore I guess...

I guess I know why I'm down- the 4th anniversary of Jen's death is... well... technically today. because we're 25 minutes into today. I hate it. June 10th always blows. I will be depressed all day, people will be "why are you so depressed" and I will say "nothing is wrong" but I will think "Go fuck yourself". I hate talking about the accident, and so I hope that no one remembers that today is the anniversary, and that they will just not notice me being sad. You know, I thought I was over it. I truly did. And I'm sitting here, with tears in my eyes, blinking them back. It's not supposed to be this hard, is it? It's four years ago, for fucks' sake. Shouldn't I be over it? Veronica is trying to talk sense into me. She wants me to take tomorrow off, but I can't. So I'll just end up crying like a freak in my classes like I did throughout my depression or something.

Comments

[elabelle.livejournal.com]

Oh I'm sorry hon ... ::hugs::

Don't feel bad for feeling bad, if that makes sense. There isn't a time limit on what your feelings are and (unfortunately) there isn't just a switch you can pull off to make yourself not feel grief and pain anymore.

But there will be a day that you'll be able to think of her, and remember the good things, the happy times, and you'll still have tears in your eyes and miss her, but you'll be happy remembering her life, and not only mourning her death. Know what I mean?

xoxo
ela

[winterfairy.livejournal.com]

Ditto to Dash, because she wrote what I wanted to say, just in much better words.

Just to randomly add... My Grandpa died 6 years, of a heart illness. I still cry because of it. I doubt I'd ever be fully over it, but it -does- get better with time. I'm already able to easily remember good moments with him, even if he as a person, as an image, is slightly faded.

[amigone.livejournal.com]

Thanks guys :)

I think I'll be okay today. I hope so, anyways.

[winterfairy.livejournal.com]

And if ya need someone to talk to...

[amigone.livejournal.com]

Thanks for being there :) It's often easier to talk to online people then people in real life. They're much less likely to judge you (Not that I'm talking about you, julie, stef! Just others...)

[keoki.livejournal.com]

I LOVE CHANDRA

She rocks the known world

But she's still alowed to be sad

[jewels17.livejournal.com]

she was one of your best friends....you're allowed to be sad. and trust me I have my Jen days too, but maybe one day it will get better. remember, she's still smiling...
Julie

[amigone.livejournal.com]

I keep forgetting that you knew her too...