(no subject)

Life shifts when you least expect it. The next time you are really lonely and convinced that you will be alone forever, just say that out loud and the person you are meant to be with will come along. Fall right out of the sky and knock the breath right out of you. And there won't be a thing you can do about how you feel, how strong it is, how right it feels, how fast it happens, or the fact that you know deep down inside that you are with the one you are meant to be with.

There are so many variables in life and when you think you know exactly where you're heading, they change right around. People are fairly comfortable with the thought that they know themselves quite well. Unexpectedly, someone arrives to show you that, no, you know just a part of yourself, and that's just not enough. Life is about being whole. A whole person, and a whole spirit. Each person carries half a spirit (not to be mixed up spirit and soul) and when two people find eachother, and the two spirits make a whole, well, this is what you get.

An innocent coffee date set up online through lj. No harm in that I thought. I need to get out more. And we clicked online, so in person would be cool. It didn't occur to me to question why we clicked so fast online, or why I was willing to meet her alone (though in public of course) so soon. I just knew I really wanted to and refused to question it. I walked in the door, after having words with my walker about the door frame and there she was at a corner table. And I didn't even introduce myself, I didn't have to. I just knew. And I waited for the awkwardness, the tense moments of oh my god I can't do this what do I say, but they never happened. We talked like we'd known each other forever. It seemed like minutes but hours later, I realized I had to go, because I had my puppy in the car, and almost without realizing it found myself asking if she wanted to come to my place. I never do that, but I just didn't want her to go, to have the evening end. But still, I thought, no, just a friend. Because though I was attracted, I don't see myself as someone other people can be attracted to, so it was a non-issue. I refused to go there, other than joking.

First off, I am crazy!shy. Last time I met someone from the internet, I brought Mana, Cale, Andrew and Josh so that I would be okay. But I am getting ahead of myself here.

I first found her on the Calgarians community on Livejournal. There was something about the way she replied. I sure as hell didn't know what it was, only that I wanted more. “Do you have MSN” “Yes.” Minutes later, we were talking as if we were friends, say from school. Three days later “I hope you don't think this too forward, but would you want to meet up sometime?” I almost died, of course I did. We made a plan, and met up. I had beat her there, and I was playing on my palm pilot when she walked in, assuming I had to be me since I was the only one by myself. We had coffee, and chatted. She was more beautiful than she was in the dated picture she had sent me, and I was amazed. Afterwards, I ended up at her place (after a mishap with a red light, and having to go home, I couldn't call her to tell her I lost her because I didn't have her phone number yet!) we watched ER, and she showed me pictures of her family. All I could think was wow.

And the feeling of closeness only continued from there. We thought the same things at the same time, finished each others sentences, laughed at jokes that were only funny to us, and I got confused when there was some story she didn't know, because of the reminder that she hadn't always been there. First one sleep over (just to sleep), then two…then six. And every spare moment in each others company while we made jokes about getting sick of each other and I forced myself not to feel so torn up inside and alone when she wasn't around. At least I had her as a friend, I would tell myself lat at night. It's not her fault I'm not someone anyone sees as anything else, all jokes aside.

I have always used humor as a coping mechanism. Most people know that. We joked about each other, but neither of us were sure if the other was serious or not. I wanted this girl. Bad. I even went outside my norm and told some friends how I felt about her (Mana, Jean-Marc, and possibly Nick and even Meg maybe) This girl was like no one I had ever met before, when I was upset, she made me talk to her, would not let me go home. She did what she could (more than she knows) to help me. Such a kind spirit, I was amazed, and still am as to why she would waste her time with someone like me. I told her things I had told no one, at least not in person. She seemed to know exactly what to say, and knew what was in my mind, she finished my sentences before I had began to say them. That doesn't happen everyday.


And it might have continued that way, while my brain fought with my heart and we fell further into an ever more complicated friendship, but then fate, or destiny…in this case in the form of Chandra's friend Meg, stepped in. I had been talking/half flirting with her for a few days, nothing serious, but she seemed interested, miracle of miracles, and since I was lonely and figured it would be casual I thought, why not. But I'll have to ask Chandi. And so that night, while we were sitting around talking and I was enjoying the peace and comfort of having her around when I asked her if it would be okay if I asked out her friend. And before she could stop herself she told me it would crush her, but then backtracked and said it was fine. But she wouldn't tell me why it upset her. She wouldn't tell me anything. And seeing the look on her face a tiny little voice inside me said, what if? And I knew I had to ask. So eventually, while she shook from fear that I would run, or be appalled or simply not reciprocate, I persuaded her to let me guess, and was told that she didn't want me to date her friend, she wanted me to date her. And I was so shocked I was amazed I could talk, but I managed to ask if she was serious.
We had gotten close, and come to trust each other with things we had never told anyone else, but this was a huge step. But she was, and it was all I could do to talk through the happiness and relief pouring through me. I don't remember my exact words, but I made her look at me, and told her that I wanted to be with her so much it hurt, but thought she didn't feel the same way and was tired of being alone.

“Chandi, there's something I have to ask you” “Yeah?” I don't remember the words she said, but my stomach turned inside me, and I thought 'I've lost her'. I was near traumatized, I had such feelings for this woman, and I knew someone better would come along and sweep her off her feet. I tried not to cry, and I didn't. But being the intuitive woman she is, (although at that point you didn't really have to be) she knew I was upset. “It would absolutely crush me” I said, and nearly regretted it. She is her own person, she can do what she likes, I should not be a concern, I said to myself. I couldn't tell her. I couldn't get the words out. At that point, I was near embarrassed, and sure she didn't feel the same way. But, she got it out. I didn't even have to say it, she knew. She knew because she felt the same way. I shook, my stomach turned, but when she looked at me, and told me it wasn't just me, well, I wasn't sure what to think. I knew she wouldn't joke with me like that, especially if she realized I was telling the truth. I was taken aback, confused, happy, angry, everything at once.


I don't remember when I started shaking too, but it was probably when I realized that I wasn't dreaming, that the most amazing woman I had ever met really did want to be with me. But life is nothing if not complicated and though she admitted that was what she wanted, she continued to insist that it couldn't work, that I should just date Meg and she would be fine. And I realized that were both afraid of the same thing. She thought that because of her own issues she wouldn't be able to be enough for me, or get close to me and that being with me wouldn't be fair. Again I made her look at me, and see, and feel that that wasn't something to be worried about. No matter how long either of our issues take to work out all I want is to be together. And now we are, because somehow, someway we found each other and had the sense to hold on. The piece of myself that was missing is gone. The lingering doubts that I had that I couldn't feel real love and passion have been erased. And I am happier than I ever thought I would be again. Because I know she means it when she says she loves me, and believes it when I say it back. Everything else is secondary. Eleven days and one hard fall later, all that matters is that the voice in my head that always said something was wrong, and things weren't how they were supposed to be is gone. And I finally belong to the one I know is for me.

I had never loved before, but that is no longer the truth. I have, and it's new to me, and I love every minute of it. It hurts to leave her at her house, and I hate having to leave to go to work, or to go home to keep up the “I'm a heterosexual” charade. The only thing I know is that I will get to see her the next day, and the next, and the one after that. And at this point, that's all that really matters. Eleven days. What happens in eleven days? Someone's world can change, and this time it was mine. I am nothing but better for it.

And my own personal thanks to Russ and Meg for getting us here. And to Chandra for loving all of me and trusting that I could do the same.

Thank you Russ for near forcing Josie to sign up for this lovely little blogging device, and Meg for (though not on purpose) helping us to get to this point. I love you both. Josie, I mean every word I wrote here, and when I say it, I mean it with everything in me. I love you.


If you could only see the way she loves me, maybe you would understand why I feel this way - Tonic