(no subject)

I'm having one of those days where my whole body aches, I'm discontent, I'm too stupid to understand any part of my schoolwork, anything will make me cry. Where I can't stand silence, but any music will bother me. Where I'm happy one second, but I hate myself the next. Where I'm worried, scared, anxious, happy, excited, depressed, angry, and pissed off all in one. In short, anyone tries to talk to me, I end up ripping their heads off, and I dont' mean to.

I think it's because I'm stressed.

- I am in charge at work. At age 18. In sole charge, pretty much.
- I'm a good week behind in chem. I dont' care.
- I 'm a good two weeks behind in Bio. I have to catch up by the 19th or some bullshit like that.
- I wont' get to write my bio diploma test until June because my dumbfuck cunt of a teacher didn't bother to tell us when the application was due. My entire class is in this boat, pretty much.
- I hate the word cunt. I can't believe I used it.
- Driving lessons: Going pretty well, but the stress of having the test on Tuesday is killing me.
- Everyone wants money. Mom wants rent NOW. I have to file my taxes.
- In my perhipheral vision, it looks like stuff is moving.
- My back and my legs hurt. Really bad.
- I hate my job, school, and well, life in general.
- I have no other outlet than this, and well, I have to be careful what I say because people I know IRL read this. I have no one to talk to. I have no one to hold me when I cry, and tell me it will be alright. I have no one to love, and it feels like no one loves me. I have friends online who bitch about what I'm bitching about right now, and I tell them "It's okay, the man/woman of your dreams will come along. I've been alone forever, and I'm doing okay." Am I doing okay? I doubt it.
- I hate the way I look. I'm ugly. I'm fat. and there's not much I can do about it. I've tried, and given up.
- People don't love ugly fat people.
- I'm such a fucking hipocrite. More then you'd ever believe.
- I dont' know how much longer I can pretend...


And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home without a friend
Without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near
I can make believe he's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.